you know that feeling when everything in your body is telling you to ball up your fist and black out on someone but you know you shouldnt. thats the feeling i got last night as i stepped into alex's car. actually i will start from the beginning.

i made my way back to my old high school yesterday for a Vball game (in which my hs swept GC in 3. yea... we're awesome) and once again just the fact that i was in my old high school watching the sport that can take my mind off anything took my mind off the fact that the previous night i have been alittle annoyed. i was actually feeling great. i even let off a little steam after the game (in which i threw out my left hip and was in an immense amount of pain for the rest of the night) but still i was so at ease and so happy and so care free... then i get home. i took the bus since i couldnt walk thanks to the sharp shooting pains in my left hip and my lower back. but i was still happy. i watched jeopardy. and i was still happy. then i get the third stupidest phonecall ive ever gotten in my whole entire life.

its alex, i pick up the phone. and he is talking louder than normal. i know if i put yelling he will get his panites in a bunch and complain. so i tell him to slow down cuz i couldnt understand what he was saying. he then is like "OKAY WHAT IS GOING ON?" (i dont know... what is going on lol)... he then proceeds to tell me how his friend greg so dutifully found my blog read it and then called alex and read it to him making me seem as if i was ready to leave him, kill him, and leave his remains in a ravine. (not in that order lol) so i immediately get angry. actually i go straight from wherever my mind was at the time to completely and utterly pissed. he then asks me if im still coming to his house cuz good ole greg made it seem like i wasnt. well then i told him "dont you think if i wasnt coming i would have the common sense to tell you i wasnt coming so you wouldnt show up at the ferry at 11 waiting for someone who isnt going to show up?" he said "yea"... i said "well then... you should go back and tell greg that if he really really READ my blog then he would see where i CLEARLY said i was angry or pissed or any denomination of the word. thos were the exact words i used. dont you just love it when people take what you said and fuck it up even when you tried SO FUCKIN hard to make sure your point got across clearly. seriously my faith in some peoples reading and comprehension skills has gone way down.

so i calm my self down as he goes on and on about how he mustve "jumped the gun" and i get off the phone with him. at this point all the trouble i went throught to make sure my trip down here would be peaceful and on a good note went to shit. all cuz someone decided to be a nosy son of a bitch. this relationship is not  alex, laura and greg it is alex and laura so thankx but no thanks... so at this point i really am contemplating whether i should even bother, whether i should even put myself thru the torture of having to bite my tongue for 2 days. i take a deep breathe and say sure why not. i then get ready and get on the train.

on the train i met these two really cool chicks from london. they asked me where the good clubs were in manhattan and too bad i couldnt help them cuz i dont go to clubs in manhattan. but they did give me a cigarrette as a thanks... i love british girls lol... so i get to the ferry and eventho i was asked to call i texted alex instead because i really didnt want to talk to him. i listened to music the whole ferry ride in the hopes i would be calmer on the other side. also, my hip was starting to feel alittle better at this point. anger cures pain, music cures anger lol...

so i get to other side and as soon as i stand up i feel that ever so unnatural shooting pain in my left hip again, this time is so bad i actually cant walk properly so i have to kind of limp it to alex's car. i really should go to the doctor but i have no insurance. it can wait. so i step in alex's car, i am calm, i am fine, i am prepared for a weekend away from my house in a place that has satellite t.v. and then it all goes to shit. why is it that even after you thought you let something go and then you give yourself kudos for doing it someone always has to shit on your parade... fuck rain... the shit on it.... after eating a half pound bean burrito from taco bell...

it immediatley starts, i say hello, and the barage begins.

(im typing verbatim because to tell you the truth after the first sentence i was ready to black out and smack the blond out of his hair)

"okay, i have something i need to say. something something....  dont you ever ever compare me to curtis. ever. i am hurt, i am dissapointed. and i dont see how you can blah blah blah. its not my fault that walbaums told me i could go home early and greg called me to go out and i saw someone i knew. i didnt think it would be such a big problem for someone to leave me a comment, someone whom ive known for a long time and spoke to for a total of five minutes"

give me a minute because even remembering it gives me mixture of laughter and anger.... yea wierd mix....

.... ..... .... ok

what i wanted to say was "how fuckin dare you" and slap the cigarrette smoke out of his breath but all i did was ask him exactly when i compared him to curtis. and he went back and restated where i said "even curtis started out like you... think about it".... o yea... big comparison.... sweetie let me tell you what a comparison is. a comparison is my boston vs staten island blog... what i wrote there is a warning, telling you that even curtis, the person whomi loathed beyond an unspeakable doubt for a couple of months started out in a good shape like you and all it took was an "inside joke" from one of his "close friends" that he goes "so way back with" to fuck up his chances with me.... if you could read then maybe you would have gotten that. but i guess i can go as far as to expect allll of that from you....  excuse me....  and if remember correctly i couldve sworn that i put in the blog that i didnt give a shit how far back you go with anyone... i rmember it being there... maybe im going crazy... senility... lol

and i was over the whole "you were tired" thing... i put it in quotes cuz to tell you the truth as i think about it i believe it less and less. i dont have to explain myself to anyone but ill put this in for shits and giggles. once again, it mustve been a 24 hour exhaustion bug cuz if someone was sooooo tired the way you fuckin complain about being tired and you do the same work everyday you should be just as tired everyday... its not my fuckin fault you dont know how to say no to greg and then complain about how he calls you nonstop and wants to hang out with you nonstop. grow some balls and be a man.  as a matter a fact was it not you who called me a couple of times and told me that you got paid to stand around and talk... oo yea sooooooo tiring... please... ive been paid to stand around and talk. ive worked 12 hours shifts, ive had to get up early. and if im tired. im fuckin tired no mattyer what day it is and no matter who calls me. this is just another one of the exceptions you make. (going alittle off topic) you claim how you have 900 or 9000 dollars in your account and blah blah blah... you have money to fly us to a different state. you have money to buy me whatever i want... but in reality you dont buy me whatever i want... ive wanted one thing ever since i was a little girl and my whore of a mother gave my cat away. ive wanted another cat. not only cuz i am alone 5 days a week and need something alive to keep me company while ur off "being tired in pool halls" and while your "meeting old drunk female friends" i also have a need for a cat because my house had mice... two days ago i saw a mouse sitting on my laptop and the rat poison my mother put out (which you have seen cuz you asked me what it was an i told u it was rat poison) is not working... so put two and two together... i have mice. i need a cat. i am alone alllllll the fuckin time... but its okay because i have already decided that since you throw ur money around and are willing to buy me clothes and shoes that cost the same amount as a cat but complain about how fuckin poor you are when i ask for a cat (that is 60 dollars by the way) i am going to wait until i get my own money and buy my own cat then i wont have to depend on you for anything..... anyway

back to the matter at hand instead of speaking i bit my tongue... as a matter a fact i bit my lip to keep my silence. which hurt for the rest of the night, note to self... dont bite lip so hard... so i stared out the window thinking of the way the old me wouldve handled it and it didnt look good.... it was quite entertaining but it wasnt the best of ideas... so my silence goes on... at that point i wasnt even hungry anymore... i just felt sick... i felt like homer in the simpsons when he held in his anger and he got those pollups on the side of his neck... i didnt get pollups but i had this sharp pain in my stomach that got worse the angrier i got... o yea... couple with the shooting pain in my hip and back... I FELT GREAT!!

so we go to white castle and then come back to his house and eat. i dont say a word to him... at this point my brain has exhausted itself to a simple "how fuckin dare you"... he eventually leaves and i can finally go to sleep... but unfortuantely i cant go to sleep cuz im sitting up thinking how fuckin dare you... i finally do get to sleep and have to most interesting of dreams... i dreamt me and alex got into a physical fight... like a bad one and then i broke up with him. then he started to whimper and cry that i couldnt do that to him but i didnt care at that point... in my dream i just wanted to be rid of him cuz i was so angry... then i locked him out of his own house and stole 40 bucks out of his wallet and a pretty red lighter... im such a puerto rican lol... then i woke up hoping he wouldnt be here... well halfway throught this blog he walked in and i havent laid eyes on him yet... anyway i think that was a pretty fitting dream for the way i was feeling. i really just want to play some volleyball and calm down...

i just cant believe that as i get so good at letting things go and ignoring it someone always has to fuck it up... it amazes me. i was over the comment. i was over the fact that i was mad and that alex is starting to annoy me on a couple of fronts... im even over the fact that  he just looked at me typing this and stared and shook his head like i was doing something wrong and craacked his knuckles. and that happened 3 seconds ago... im good at it... im getting better at it and while im contemplating going back home... im realizing that coming here in the first place was a huge mistake...

i need volleyball

Ok so I am very upset and it is 12 in the afternoon. Weird for one because I am even awake, but weirder still because I never really went to sleep. I usually fall asleep around 5 a.m but this time I couldnt... Why you ask?... because someone broke my routine. People have routines for a reason and dont like them to be broken. Especially people like me. I, happen to suffer a severe case of paranoia that goes hand in hand with anxiety... among other things (thanks dad). And to cause worry in someone like me is something you dont want to do. This can be done in a number of ways, but breaking routine is the number one way. Now to get to the point... If someone is to call you at a certain time and they dont the average person thinks "oh they mustve forgotten" but someone in my case thinks "o holy crap he must be dead" or "he must be in the hospital and cant get to his phone". This is all the more reason for this person to contact someone like me. You know why god invented text message? So that if you werent at liberty to call u could quickly, discreetly and silently text that person... Thanks Jesus... and T-Mobile.

Anyway, so I was up last night watching the 9/11 movie (which I will get to later) and when it was over I waited for my nightly phone call from Alex. im going to explain how this works because I am anything but the crazy stalker girlfriend. Come, come into my world (that sounded kind of crazy didnt it?) ok, me and Alex do not speak during the day save for a few text messages sometimes usually initiated by him. In short, I do not contact him during the day. I respect the fact that he works and I have been the victim of the "my boyfriend/girlfriend calls me all day when im at work so I threw my in the path of an oncoming truck". Its not a good feeling, I dont want to do it. But I get my phonecall at 11 pm or so. This phonecall among other things is to make sure that Alex is ok. So if you have been paying attention, me and Alex speak once. Now the person who would understand my feelings the best is Christina. If she gets a phone call every night from Nate and then suddenly doesnt receive one on oh lets say Friday, she would start to worry, she would think the worst, she would think he was dead. Now of course she is a military girlfriend so she has a right to think that but I am just plain ole crazy so I think I have a right to think that too.

Midnight rolls around and I still dont get that phone call. A little weird but hey he could just be late, fine. 1 a.m rolls around and still nothing, not a text message, not a phone, call not a smoke signal, not a carrier pigeon. Fine. So I begin to read what turned out to be the most boring ass backwards book ever until about page 77, "The Black Dahlia" but then 2 a.m rolls around and still nothing. Now my mind starts to wander. So I initiate a text in the hopes that 1, he is either still awake or, 2 he will see it the next morning text me back. No dice. I was up until the morning news came on and my phone didnt even make a sound. I even checked it once or twice to make sure it still worked (I havent paid my bill yet). So I figure I would call. Now to clear things up I am crazy but im not stalker crazy, I called 2 times. I always call two times. Once so you hear it and once so you get off your ass and pick up the phone. I got nothing. Then I turned off the TV and laid in silence thinking of how absolutely rude it was not to contact me. Send me a safety word for god sakes, "im safe" "im sleeping" or a simple "stop calling me woman" anything wouldve been nice. I start to think that he couldve been killed or gotten into a car accident or even something funny like he got kidnapped my circus midgets from Canada. (I told you, my mind wanders) so to put my mind at ease I think to myself  "He will get to me in the morning before he goes to work". It is noon (12 oclock p.m for all you non scholars out there) he gets up for work at 7:30 a.m. to tell you the truth I dont care how busy you are at work. Work doesnt start until 8:30 so while youre picking your nose and putting on your draws you could pick up the phone and text. So then I decide "you know what, he'll get to me when he can". But then the paranoia set in and thinking of him lying in a ditch I decided to contact the only other anally paranoid person when it comes to phone calls beside me, Pooh. I dont call, but I text (see how easy that is) and he promptly gets back to me. I ask him if he talked to Alex because he hasnt contacted me and I was worried (oh what a good girlfriend I am) and he says "yea I spoke to him last night, hes busy at work since the changeover". Now two things before I blow up because with the combination of other things that I will address later and this has caused me to be highly pissed off.

One, hes so busy yet you spoke to him last night, which means he was using his phone for something and couldve been considerate enough to let me know he was alive, I wouldve forfeited my phone call for the night for a simple text message saying "Im tired, going to bed, call u tomorrow" hes done it before. And two, I know hes busy at work, Dur Im his girlfriend Dr. Jew, he tells me everything and p.s the changeover happened already so the "changeover" isnt an excuse. So then to end it and give up I send him a final text message. Short and sweet "Alex I swear to god you better be in the morgue or the hospital, texting me to let me know your alive would be nice and I dont care how fuckin busy you are", okay maybe not short or sweet but I wanted to use that. And do we even have morgues anymore? Or are they referred to as medical examiner/ coroners offices now? Lol

While my anger is still fresh I will discuss something that really made me angrier last night as I was fuming over Alex (who apparently just texted me to tell me he fell asleep on the couch 5 minutes after he got home cuz he was so tired. Well apparently in that five minutes he had enough time to call Pooh. Well atleast hes not in the hospital but im not sure he wont be in it when im finished with him). Anyway, last night I was watching one of the million shows about 9/11. this one was about the memorial. I really wanted to research this first so I could be factually accurate but I am angry now so I will just write it. If Im wrong Im wrong. 9/11 happened 5 years ago as you all know and according to the mayor of new Orleans ground zero is still a hole in the ground. Fuck him for calling it that but he is right. And a lot of new Yorkers agree. The only thing that has been rebuilt in that 5 years time is 7 world trade center which is struggling for leases/tenants anyway. The reason nothings been built? Politics, crony-ism, and egos.

The search for the design of the memorial was worldwide and they had received more ideas than they ever had before. They finally fizzled it down to a handful of people and then eventually decided on one. I think the guys last name began with an S and was four letters long. I saw the layout for this and it was beautiful. The first thought that came to my mind when I saw it was "we would never pull that off". It consisted of two fountains that would be 27 square feet high and about 16 acres across (if I remember correctly) they would be the largest fountains in the world. A fitting celebrity status brought to the many that died there 5 years ago. Now this is where the trouble starts. They decide on the design, the get the insurers and the builders in place. They even break ground. Then everyone decides to get ants in their pants and nobodys complaints are making any sense. The design for this memorial included an underground place of complete solitude surrounded by running water where a person in mourning could sit and meditate peacefully. The names would be on a wall for all to see and there would be a 9/11 museum around the perimeter no doubt filled with things from that day, broken cars, papers, pictures. But of course, humans are never satisfied.

Then a group was started and decided that they were going to protest as the workers broke ground on the new memorial that the city was building for THEIR loved ones. Their first complaint: Its underground. And they dont want their family members names to be underground, or the foot prints of where their bodies lay. At first this didnt seem like a bad request, they went through a terrible loss and they deserve to be at peace with where their family and friends died. Then I saw exactly what and where the footprints were. The footprints are every place a body (or piece of a body was found) u know how many freakin places that is? Some pieces of peoples bodies even whole bodies still go unclaimed since 5 years ago but still they know exactly where their family member or friend died and dont want it to be cover with cement. Almost 3 thousand people died their but they dont want any of it to be covered with cement. But they also dont want to have the names be underground. I dont know if they know this BUT ITS CALLED GROUND ZERO FOR A REASON. Thats not just a cool name for it. The ground you walk on in Manhattan is not at sea level. Sea level is zero. I dont even know how high up off the sea we are.

So newsflash people, if u dont want their names to be "underground" as you say then they would have to build a place for it that would bring it up to street level. No doubt this would contain cement somewhere in the equation. You cant hover the memorial in thin air. So in essence you would have to cover some of the footprints with cement if you want a standing street level memorial for the names. Dur! Now these footprints as I said before are numerous and scattered all over the site. But they dont want it covered with cement. So let me ask you this. HOW THEN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO REBUILD THE WORLD TRADE CENTER YOUR ALL COMPLAING ABOUT IF WE CANT COVER THAT PLACE WITH CEMENT?! Once again, we cant hover it in thin air for the rest of eternity. The only tangible complaint they had was that it actually wasnt as serene as the creator had claimed because of rumblings and noise from the incomin and outgoing PATH trains... the rest of it was crap and useless whining... anyway I figure in this case this decision should be made by a third party who is unbiased and who doesnt care. By doesnt care I dont mean is sloppy I mean wont listen to everyone all the time. The grievers will never be happy and the people building it have their heads in each others asses all the time either trying to impress someone or trying to fulfill some other agenda that they have. I say rebuild the towers just as they were. Two huge 103 story buildings (or however tall they were). Same position, same height. Same look and if you think about it same engineering. If u really sit down and think about it those buildings were made great. They had their bad points as all buildings do but it took 2 planes and a helluva long time for them to come down.

What better memorial than having a second version of the first. Etch the names in the wall of the building. If u died or your remains were found in tower one. Then your name will be etched in alphabetical order on tower one at street level. If you died or your remains were found in tower two then your name will be etched in alphabetical order for all eternity (or at least until they get knocked down by someone else who hates america) on tower 2. How simple was that? Then you can look up and go "look at that, the towers are back up and standing just like before the attacks". Just by looking at them it would be like it never happened bringing back a sense of patriotism while still not forgetting those lost cuz their names are on the buildings themselves. it would also show the fuckin terrorists that we dont give a shit how many of them blow themselves up and try to bring down America cuz we can rebuild and we can overcome. I am not inviting them to do it again but damn, 5 years and still a "hole in the ground". It took the original builders of the world trade center what? A year to build the original and the only thing we have to show for 5 years of bitching and moaning is a building we cant sell, a hole in the ground, a non existent memorial, and a rickety ass PATH train that is about ready to keel over and die. It made me really angry. More angry than I was about my fool of a boyfriend. You know what. Why dont we just leave it the way it is? That seems like the only viable solution to all this madness. Just leave it one huge hole in the ground for the rest of eternity. Then hey, at least they cant knock them down again cuz theres nothing to knock down, we wont have to spend money on rebuilding and maintenance, the victims families will have their freakin footprints sans cement, we wont have to worry about trying to find leasers for office space and everyone can still get to complain about it. O joy!

I swear to god America makes me so angry sometimes. Fuck, New York makes me angry sometimes. People ask me why I dont vote. My dad is angry cuz I wont chose a party. This is why I dont vote. I dont vote because nothing gets accomplished. And contrary to popular belief MY vote isnt going to change history. When have you ever seen an election that was separated by one persons vote? Yea, I thought so. You vote for someone because you think they believe what you believe and then you put your head between your knees and pray they get elected, if they dont while your down there you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. When people elected george bush (im still waiting for that recount from florida, I swear old people cant do anything right) they wouldve never thought that we wouldve had to sent troops over seas. Also and I dont think you know this ladies but I bet if youre a republican that you never wouldve thought that George Bush wouldve agreed to the whole "over the counter plan B pill" but guess what? Its set to launch pretty soon and you wont need a prescription. Now for those of you who voted for Kerry, I bet your real happy. You wasted your vote on someone who lost and got a president who chokes on pretzels, falls off self balancing scooters, and starts wars with people when he should be blowing up the countries that tried to destroy our country. We suck as a nation of initiative. Thats all I have to say.

So hooray for us. We caught Saddam Hussein. We gave him a bath, de-flea'd him and put him up in one of our snazzy hotels, I mean prisons. And then we found those weapons of mass destruction and promptly destr... wait. O thats right we didnt find any weapons of mass destruction. You know why? Cuz Russia has them, kim jong irrrr has them, and Osama Bin Laden is still running around fuckin virgins in the mountain caves of Afghanistan. But hey. We got Saddam Hussein, and while we were at it we fucked up his country. Go us.  Newsflash to the American people. You cant give democracy to a people who arent like us. And this is in no way meant to be offensive (I think Im getting soft in my old age. I put in disclaimers now to ward off the witch hunters) the reason democracy works so well for us is because we for the most part are Christian people or Jewish or just dont give a crap about religion. When the founding fathers made the declaration of independence and all that other fancy paperwork, they made it based on their beliefs at the time, which is the reason why when people talk about separation of church and state I laugh because "you can see church all up in our state and there will never be any separation" lol. People in iraq and iran and all those places are muslim. They have very different beliefs on certain things and those beliefs just like our own run their daily lives. Their religion rules their town. And save for the killings and torturing Saddam Hussein didnt do anything wrong (to us recently). Fidel Castro does the same thing to Cubans but you dont see the US taking an all inclusive cruise to Cuba with the troops to give Castro the 5 star American Treatment. He did that to his own people. Remember when it was okay to kill "negroes" cuz they were of a different color? Remember when all the Mexicans were deported even if they were citizens in the early 1900s? remember when Japanese people were deported back to Japan cuz "we didnt have room for them"? you should, cuz that was good ole America and guess what? you dont see any other countires jumping to our aid because they thought it was wrong.... because they know it is not their busniness and as america we will take care of our own...America does the same thing to its people or has in the past that they accuse all other "lower countries" of doing. Im not saying George Bush comes down off his high horse and shoots people or hangs them by their thumbs but we are doing the same thing with politics and head games that they do with brute physical force. We are the US and they are them. George Bush is the president of the US and not anyplace else. I dont care if he tried to shoot your daddy oh so long ago Bushy. Then let your daddy take care of it. This is why we have the United Nations. See, they see that a certain somebody wont stop making nuclear weaponry (I wont name who lol) and they gave them a sanction... now I dont know what that is but theyre on the job its not the US's business. If our technology is so great and we are so advanced then we should have nothing to worry about. We will see a missile from a mile away and blast it using our earth sized light saber. O wait, we dont have anything like that cuz our president is off "staying the course" "and looking for the weapons of mass destruction"... whatever. I dont say hes a bad president, hes not the brightest of guys but I really cant wait until the next president steps up... then atleast ill have someone new to complain about...

See... I SMART!!